An Inspirational Note to my Woman

Dear Lover,

Hang in there, Tiger. I was talking to Jocko Johnson earlier today, my friend the talking leopard and amateur wrestling promoter, and over some shared yams, we agreed that your business is about to flourish.

You may not know this, but Jocko went through some tough times himself, when he was down and out on the streets of Regina, a runaway from the local zoo where he was beaten and maltreated as badly as a Chinese whore. No one would spare him a yam, or even 10 cents for a pat of butter. Heck no one would rub his tummy even, or scratch his ears. And when he did his standup routine he just got beaten and whupped. I mean, that’s where he learned his wrestling moves, on the backstreets of windswept Regina, in the alleys and down in the ravine of the Saskatchewan River, fighting bums for the dregs in tuna cans, or tossed away heads of brown lettuce. Yes, that’s where he invented the infamous “Jocko-Slam” that catapulted him to fame on the international stage of professional wrestling.

So you know, if he hadn’t had those trials do you think he’d be lounging on his patio sipping sweet potato juice and snacking on big juicy yams as the prairie sun dipped below the skyline and the horizon burned like Peter North’s testicles? Do you think he’d be using other men’s skulls as beer mugs or have little pumas as footstools?

So what I am trying to say, is chin up Tiger, you are a born winner, not like these mangy lemurs and pumas we have in the neighbourhood (aka Desmond, Winona, Michael, etc); you are the queen of the frickin’ jungle! You will eat baked yam out of dishes made from their hip sockets! Hey, when the Tiger roars, all other creatures of the jungle (except the mighty Panda…DO NOT get close to a hungry Panda, they look cute, but it’s a charade, they are as mean as shithouse badgers on crystal meth) cower! So make sure the next couple of days you lie low, and then don’t forget to bring the MONSTER in you to the monster erg.

The rest will sort itself out, or my name isn’t Julius Van Der Pickles.

Love,

JVDP

O Frabjous Day!

I shall be moving away from the wildebeest soon. She and I will never again lock horns over the watering hole.

Yes, moving sucks, but living under someone with nary a scruple about noise, and with no more than a 1/2 inch barrier of plywood as buffer, well, it was time to move on...

We've found a wonderful little cottage out in rural North Saanich. It's close to the airport, but not in the flight path. There are horses, pasture, lush verdure and hawks spinning overhead. And the rent isn't much more than we're doling out now. I'm not squeamish about sacrificing piece of mind for a little money. Especially when its going to rent, and not some sordid vice. The landlords seem very nice, sedate people, Brits; you know, my kind of people. The lady of the house will apparently teach my partner to "ride English," at least that's what she promised over some Orange Pekoe. Now, I'm not so sure I like the sounds of that, unless of course, I get to watch.

Now, the question is, how the hell do I commute from Saanich to UVic every day on my bike, especially when the return trip has to be done at 11PM? I thought of stuffing my burritos with methamphetamines, or even holding a lighter in my nostril at 20 second intervals.

Ya Piss Me Off Ya Fuckin' Jerk Ya Get on My Nerves

Okay, this made me feel better today. Let's all sing it!

THE RODEO SONG

(Gaye DeLorme)

Showdown - 1980





Well it's forty below and I don't give a fuck

Got a heater in my truck and I'm off to the rodeo

And it's Allemande left and Allemande right

Come on ya fuckin' dummy get your right step right

Get off stage ya goddam goof, ya know



Ya piss me off, ya fuckin' jerk, get on my nerves



Well here comes Johnny with his pecker in his hand

He's a one ball man and he's off to the rodeo

And it's Allemande left and Allemande right

Come on ya fuckin' dummy get your right step right

Get off stage ya goddam goof, ya know



Ya piss me off, fuckin' jerk, get on my nerves



Well it's forty below and I ain't got a truck

And I don't give a fuck 'cause I'm off to the rodeo

It's Allemande left and Allemande right

Come on ya fuckin' dummy get your right step right

Get off stage ya goddam goof, ya know



Ya piss me off, ya fuckin' jerk, get on my nerves



Well here comes Johnny with his pecker in his hand

He's a one ball man and he's off to the rodeo

And it's Allemande left and Allemande right

Come on ya fuckin' dummy get your right step right

Get off stage ya goddam goof, ya know



Ya piss me off, fuckin' jerk, ya get on my nerves

Sleepless Nights

Looking for a new flat. The old one is too noisy. Check that. The upstairs lesbian wildebeest who stampedes across the floorboards at all hours is too noisy.

So, any quiet 2 BR flats in Victoria that you know of, let me know.

Yours,

Stallioforce